Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
