hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
worst night to have a conscience
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
