HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
