I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
