I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize