Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
