i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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