Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
