you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
