if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
