I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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