Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Can you bring me the toilet please
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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