Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
