I am midnight drunk by noon
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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