Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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