Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
