If i come over, it means nothing
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
