I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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