If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
