there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
