I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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