She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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