using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
