I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize