You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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