Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
