6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my shit smells like andre
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
