I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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