I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
