Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
