yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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