I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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