I bet he comes in French.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
