is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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