When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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