...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
