I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
