I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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