I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
