I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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