I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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