chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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