I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
