Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I need water and some morals
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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