When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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