I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
