I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
