Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
