I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
