We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
