My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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