So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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