Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
