I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
