I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
