I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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