my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just invented taco cereal.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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