Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
