meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize