i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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