Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
